Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I am puke
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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