It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
