the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
