Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
what day is it and did you see me today?
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
