I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I think I sprained my soul last night
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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