I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
