I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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