When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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