sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
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I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
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Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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