I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
