There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
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You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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