I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
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