I feel great
I just peed on a car
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
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