Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
