Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
We need to feng shui this bitch.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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