I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
