So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Randomize
