I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Randomize
