Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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