I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Randomize
