PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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