I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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