i may or may not be watching the land before time
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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