i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
