you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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