holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
