Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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