I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
