I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
