buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
