I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
