can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
