"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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