at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Randomize
