just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
