kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
