I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
