its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
