smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
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