So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
