I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
did i just pee glitter
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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