Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
