I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
