awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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