reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
