Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
