dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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