Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
