Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Randomize
