Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
