i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
