I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I could make wine with my vomit
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
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