I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
