I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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