he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
tell me about the eggs
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
