I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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