I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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